Everyone knows about child development; adult development is less appreciated. One aspect of adult development is the maturation of long-term love.
Young Love
This is the period characterized by looking long and deeply into the lover’s eyes. The world disappears and the only thing that matters is what is seen in those scrying orbs. This period is well documented (see the pop music charts of the last seventy years) and, unfortunately, grasped too tightly by people who do not realize it is meant to be a phase, not a permanent condition. That mistake is the source of a great deal of misery.
Striving Love
This is the period in which the lovers break the mutual gaze long enough to begin building the world seen in each other’s eyes. The mutual gaze is re-engaged less and less often because they’re busy! This is also the most perilous time of the relationship (see the country music charts of the last seventy years). The danger lies in two directions: 1. The work is hard and one or both lovers begin to question if it is worth it. 2. One or both lovers fail to mature through this transitory phase, wishing for the young love phase, and begin to look elsewhere for a new start.
Adept Love
This is the period characterized by the lovers side by side, looking out at the world they have built together. Not so much of the mutual gaze these days; it has been replaced by a rooted knowing, a deeply felt steadfastness. The lovers are no longer those young people with hearts aflutter or the hardworking-yet-anxious lovers of the middle period. They have become the fertile ground out of which grows the future.
Future Phases?
Meet me back here in twenty years, as we approach fifty years of marriage and seventy years of age, and I’ll tell you what I’ve learned.